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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  March 15, 2012 1:30am-2:00am PDT

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look around here. these are the people who are doing it. thisis state-of-the-art facility here incaptioning spony comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] these people are not following around. thank you soç much. you people have the spirit!
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[cheers and applause] nation, for anybody who lives and works in new york, you know that wall street is the finance capital of the world. and when you work on the street, there's a sacred trust. you never go public with complaints about your bosses. [ laughter ] and in exchange one day they'll explain to you what it is you do for a living. [ laughter ] i'm disgusted to learn about this op-ed in today's "new york times" but greg smith entitled why i am leaving goldman sachs in which he revealed to become a leader you must per squad your clients in the stocks you are trying to get rid of because they are not seen as having a lot of potential profit and not one single minute is spent asking questions about how goldman can help clients. of course, time is money.
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they don't want to waste clients money by spending time thinking about them. [ laughter ] this banker-dict arnold. [ laughter ] even had the gall to attack my friend lloyd because he said goldman sachs is doing god's work. it is. he just didn't say which god. maybe it was the lord of destruction. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] but the greatest betrayal of all of the revelation that goldman sachs derisively called their overly trusting clients mup eves. that's -- muppets. that's ak rit. some were muppets and
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unfortunately ernie took a real bath. i may not agree with this guy but i have to sleuth his principles. once he found out that goldman had a cult tougher greed he left immediately after 12 years at the firm. i doubt he will have any trouble finding a new job because he tacked his resume on to the article. he won a brns medal for table tennis at the macabea games also known as the jewish olympics. [ laughter ] this guy gets to jump to the front of the line by announcing i'm the third best jewish ping pong÷ú player on earth? [ laughter ] way to reinforce the hateful stereotype that ping pong players control the banking industry. i've had it. sorry, i've had it. the alabama and mississippi primaries were last night and the stakes for romney were high
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or as mitt would say just the right height. because if he won either state he could dispel doubt about his appeal to conservatives and i would have to start loving him which, of course, i have do as long as i have no other choice but i do because after a week of candidates forcing cheesy grits down their throats and y'alls out of their throats the deep south has spoken and for once the nation could understand what they were saying. >> rick santorum's surprise in the south. he wins the alabama and mississippi primaries. >> mitt romney walks out in third place in alabama and mississippi. >> it's very clear that none of the candidates can sew up in this nomination before tampa. >> it means a long, slow painful slog toç this nomination. >> stephen: long, slow and painful. thairchl you jesus. this is great. the democrats had the same situation when they won last
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time in 2008. now republicans get that hillary versus obama magic minus any women or black people or magic. [ laughter ] folks, i'll tell you, why romney is having trouble closing this deal. we conservatives don't trust him. rick santorum is resonating with voter because of his authenticity. he always speaks off the cuff which is why his sweeters don't have -- sweaters don't have sleeves. he believes authenticity should be legally mandated. >> i believe when you run for president of the united states, you should be illegal to read off a teleprompter because all you are doing is reading somebody else's words. >> stephen: yes, it should be illegal. voters cannot trust candidates who have somebody else's words in their mouths. that's why no ventriloquist dummy has been nominated since the dark days of charlie
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mccarthyism. we cannot stop at teleprompters. i reject all prewritten words. that's why i'm against reading books. booksbooks are a lie. when it read them it makes thought sounds in my head like i'm thinking them. santorum does not use a teleprompter given how rnd concerned he is about reproductive rights i'm pretty sure he used cue cards. who, jimmy. it's a family show. blur the dirty parts. no, jimmy the dirty parts. [ laughter ] that's part. [ laughter ] now unlike some people in the news business, i never use a teleprompter. [ laughter ] i try to say the same thing as this guy right here in the monitor. i just follow his lips. okay? [cheers and applause] while he talks i try to say what he is talking. he goes pretty fast but i can
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usually keep up with him. he seems angry right now and i'm angry too. we have fun together. 's i good guy. see you, buddy. whoo. [ laughter ] by the way, i know that he is a lot older than i am but he's a good guy. with santorum's wins in the south, which is gingrich's home turf by the way some say it's over for newt. i think the former speaker could win over louisiana voters as long as no one thoughs him any beads. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause]÷ú so with rick santorum drawing a line in louisiana on the 24th who is going to take the bayou? joining me now is the coll better report's chief swamp land political analyst kermit the frog. thank you for joining me. >> thank you, thank you. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: nice to see you my friend. >> nice to see you, too.
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i appreciate you having me on the show. >> stephen: thank you for being here. everyone said alabama and mississippi were must wins for newt gingrich. do you think he can take louisiana? >> you know, actually, stephen, i'm just a frog. you know croak, ribity that sort of thing. i don't know much about politics. >> stephen: we're talking about primaries. >> according to the schedule i'm here to tell berch my new movie the muppets coming out on dvd on march 20. >> >> stephen: that's the day of illinois primary. do you think romney's suburban moderates can hold off the downstate conservatives? >> i reallyç don't talk politi. we're not partisan except when it comes to pigs. >> stephen: don't act like you don't know these candidates. i worked with mitt romney for years. [ laughter ]
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okay. >> okay, okay. he is a very nice guy, too but i don't take sides. when it comes to politics i think everyone, democrats, republicans, independents all of them will really enjoy our new movie on dvd and blu-ray march 20. >> stephen: really? listen buddy you may be a many ofy star now, you but started out as a news man interviewing the pig crisis. you have more experience than bill o'reilly. >> i'm not going to touch that. >> stephen: we're got to the movie available march 20 in a minute. but first you have to help me dissect this race. >> it's not cool to say dissect to a frog. >> stephen: sorry. at least tell me how newt is feeling. >> newt, of course, i must know
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about how newt feels why because i'm an amphibian american do. we all look alike to you? too. we're talking about the republican primary so before i say anything about this great movie. >> out on march 20. >> stephen: you have to give me some analysis. >> let me see what i can do. the fact is, stephen, that this race is far from over. we haven't even hit romney's strong holds of new york and california yet. and the closer he gets to the magical number of 1144 delegates the more leveragage at a hyperlet call brokered convention. if rumors of a santorum gingrich superticket prove true we're in for a hot time in tampa. how is that? [cheers and applause] >> stephen: that was
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prescient. thank you so much. >> the muppets available march 20th on dvd and blu-ray. yay! >> stephen: get out there and buy the muppets let's make this frog some serious green. kermit the frog, everybody. wonderful to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: we'll be right [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, anybody who watches this show knows i'm no fan of monkeys. ever since that can a piewchin tricked me into investing in his banana ponzi scheme. i go ape when there's monkey danger. this is monkey on the lam.
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tonight, a warning to the residentrç of alabama. first you live in alabama. [ laughter ] but a second warning, we go to kgtv san diego, alabama's monkey news leader. >> at this hour the sheriff's department in west central alabama county has sent out an extra patrol after reports of one gorilla spotted near a small town. the nearest zoo is in birmingham more than 100 miles away. the zoo's one gorilla is still in the borders. >> stephen: there's a mystery gorilla loose in alabama. authorities are looking for one gorilla but according to local news it's unknown how many are loose or in what direction they are headed. there could be any number of gorillas from 1 to 10,000 blood thirsty apes rooming alabama. what worries me is that we have no idea if that giant mob voted
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in last night's alabama primary. i can only assume -- i can only assume the apes came out big for santorum. they don't believe in evolution either. [ laughter ] they believe they were created in the image of their lord and savior reese christ. in this is why we need strict voter i.d. laws, phones. thousands of gorillas could have walked into the polling place and thrown this election along with their feces. some have said it's a gorilla. others have reported seeing what may have been a bear. that's right. it could have been a gorilla or a bear or bear gryllz. alabama yams if a man with an english accent asks to drink your urine get out of there. if you see any gorillas in your
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midst attempt to said date them. i know when i'm in the south a plate of hush puppies could put me down for hours. please be vigilant. if we're in the it's not the south that rises again it's the planet of the apes. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. cofounder of no labels ache nonpartisan group trying to get
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government working again. i'll ask if he's tried rebooting. please welcome mark mckinnon. [cheers and applause] good to see you. so let's tell the people your bonea fides here. you are a veteran political strategist who worked for george w. bush, you worked for senator mccain, several democratic politicians and famously quit the mccain campaign because you didn't want to go up against the obama cand dais six now you have something called no labels. what is that? >> as you know 10% of the country supports congress. that's down to paid staffers and relatives. it's no wonder because all they are doing is fighting. they are not getting any work done. >> stephen: that's part of their job. we send them to fight with each other. we have the republican army and
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democratic army and they meet on the field of battle to serveç e republic. that's what people want change. a senator olympia snowe decided not to run for reelection not because she thought she was going to lose but because she was sure she would win and she didn't want to go past the diss mings. it's been 1,000 days since they passed a budget. >> stephen: if congress gets something done it proves government can do something and it's a win for the liberals who want government in our lives. are you a liberal or a small government conservative? check. >> the reality is that 500,000 people have joined the movements, strong republicans, strong democrats, strong independents and they've come together and put together a 12 step program to reform congress. >> stephen: like aa? >> that's right. a lot of similarities. they have to hand themselves over to a higher power.
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>> exactly. >> stephen: is that you? >> [ laughter ] one of ideas is if they don't pass a budget they don't get paid. we had a hearing on that today in the senate. >> stephen: what? >> if you didn't do your job you wouldn't get paid. >> stephen: don't even joke about that. [ laughter ] >> if they don't pass a budget they don't get paid. >> stephen: that's a slippery slope, sir. if they don't pass the budget they don't get paid. what is next you don't get to vote for military intervention unless you yourself have served in the military. >> that's not a bad idea. i like that. make it a 13-step program. >> stephen: here is my problem with you no label guys. labels are handy, okay? if i have a label, i know whether to agree with you or reject your ideas before you ever open your mouth. >> exactly right. that's the problem. >> stephen: i need to know what are you a democrat or
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republican? you've worked for both. >> i'm a progressive republican. i'm trying to remain in the republican party. >> stephen: a progress republican? what are you talking about? >> it's lonely but i'm fighting got fight. it's democrats and independents involved in the movement because we think we should be put our labels aside and make congress work again. they are not getting anything done. we face our greatest challenges every and our system is paralyzed by hyperpartisanship. >> stephen: okay but if -- [cheers and applause] so -- but the american people clearly do want hyperpartisanship because they keep electing hyperpart sans. do you think you know more than the americanç people? [ laughter ] you will admit they keep electing hyperpart sans. >> they do because -- >> stephen: are you calling them dumb? >> well, they are getting a lot of information from super pacs. we're trying to give people in
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the broad middle of america a voice to compete with the fringes who have big microphones and tv programs. >> stephen: yes, they do. watch where i point this thing. [ laughter ] do you have money? do you have cash? you have to cash, deep pockets? >> we don't have a super pac. we don't have any special interest money. but our 500,000, half a million supporters have funded us, we have a nine member staff to get hearings like the one we had today. we think there should be a 90 day rule up-or-down vote on whether a presidential appointment can serve. i was appointed by president bush and for four years i couldn't couldn't get confirmed. >> stephen: you want people to compromise. >> consensus is not a sin. >> stephen: compromise is the greatest sinç in america ever
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have you ever heard of the mo m- compromise? it led to the civil war. you have blood on your hands, sir. >> we have a civil war now. we do have a civil war and we're trying to end it. >> stephen: you are a political analyst. good luck with this. >> thank you. >> stephen: let's talk about the primaries for a second. what did you think of kermi t's analysis? >> he was right on. >> stephen: i think that frog is wasted in movies. >> he has a future. >> stephen: do you think there's any chance gingrich drops out. >> i think he goes to the convention and cuts a deal. >> stephen: really? if you were gingrich what would you want? don't say proexroa miez. >> a position in a santorum cabinet perhaps, vice presidency. >> stephen: it's the santorum presidency. be still my heart.

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